Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize