I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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