oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
worst night to have a conscience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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