I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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