i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
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I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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