I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize