I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
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We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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