Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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