Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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