and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
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In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
foreskin is a definite game changer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
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You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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