i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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