just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
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i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize