You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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