Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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