I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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