wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
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I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
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He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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