R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he puts the penis in happiness.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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