Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
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No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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