i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize