I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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