Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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