I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
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dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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