i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
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Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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