when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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