So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
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I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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