i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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