you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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