I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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