oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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