I love black thongs
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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