What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize