Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
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I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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