Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You ruined the universe
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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