All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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