my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
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I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
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Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize