So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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