Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize