the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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