My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
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Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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