he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize