so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They took my balls.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
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I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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