Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
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