Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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