Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
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You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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