You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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