1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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