I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize