Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
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My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
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You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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