I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
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Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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