no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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