I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
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coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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